Day 28 - So cold...

You never realize how warm your hair keeps you until you WAX IT ALL OFF...I am FREEZING!!!

There's a few questions I've been getting from pretty much everyone, so I thought I'd answer them for you all here:

1. "Did it hurt?" NO SHIT! It wasn't a cakewalk, but it also wasn't as bad as everyone built it up to be
2. "What part hurt the most?" The middle of my chest (the "nucleus", as my brother put it), and the inner thigh
3. "Did you bleed?" A few dots of blood on my chest, but nothing serious. I put on a white t-shirt afterward hoping to turn it into a souvenir, but no luck
4. "How long did it take?" 3 hours...my calf started cramping up, I should've stretched beforehand...

...And to all you ladies who told me "EHHHHH! YOU HAVE NO IDEEEEAAAA!! ITS GONNA BE LIKE PUTTING DUCT TAPE ON YOUR ARM AND PULLING IT OFFFF!!! BLEHHHHH!!!! YOU MEN HAVE NO IDEA WHAT PAIN WE WOMEN ENDURE TO LOOK BEAUTIFULLLL!!!...."

...........GROW SOME BALLS! It really wasn't thaaaat bad. Sure there were some rough spots, but not once did I feel inclined to curse at the waxer or scream "KELLY CLARKSON!!" And if any of yall think I'm crazy, then get your next wax job done at "The Wax Spot" http://www.houstonsbestwax.com/index.html , tell them Rubik sent you (yeah...I'm kind of a big deal over there already...)

And for any of you guys that were curious about waxing, they have about half guys and half girls that go in there, so it's not like there's gonna be a waiting room full of ladies giggling at you when you walk in.

Well I know what most of you wanna see is pictures, I'll post a before and after on here, and I'll put the rest of them on Facebook. Enjoy!

BEFORE:


AFTER:

Day 27 - Judgment Day

IT'S THE FIIINAAL COUNNNTDOWWWWN!!!!
In about five hours I'll be at The Wax Spot getting ready to bid farewell to...well...Rubik. I might have to change my name to something like Fabio after the deed is done. I mean, you can't have a hairless Rubik...

ox⋅y⋅mo⋅ron

/ˌɒksɪˈmɔrɒn, -ˈmoʊr-/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [ok-si-mawr-on, -mohr-] noun
Rhetoric. a figure of speech by which a locution produces an incongruous, seemingly self-contradictory effect, as in “cruel kindness” or “to make haste slowly” or "hairless Rubik"

So I think I've got everything ready, let's see:

• Exfoliating loofah...CHECK!
• Exfoliating soap...CHECK!
• Speedo (so they can wax around my goodies..my goodies..my goodies..NOT MY GOODIES!!)
• Ibouprofen...CHECK x 27!

I gotta say, I'm getting a little emotional here...I mean, this is going to change my whole way of life. No more tumble-hairs rolling around my bedroom and bathroom, no more shower clogs, no more having to roll up my shirt sleeves at work to cool off, no more having to tuck those protruding strands of chest hair back under my shirt...

Well Houston, you're gonna get one last chance to see this hairy bod (for a few months at least...). I'll be flaunting my mane at Memorial Park if anyone needs one last look... ='(

Day 23 - I have an appointment!

So it's official: I have an appointment with Angelica from The Wax Spot this Saturday!
August 29...it's goinnn dowwwn!
Yeah i'm gettin waxxxed...it's goinnn dowwwn!
Gettin silky-smooth...it's goinnn dowwwn!
Any hair you see is guaranteed to go dowwwn!

I gotta admit, I was pretty damn excited when I finally got her email:

Hello. Rubik

You are one of the many that have come to us after losing a bet!lol We can get you scheduled on sat. the 29th. Because it is your first time getting waxed this will be pretty intense. If it is possible I'd like to suggest maybe two sessions for your services?! Only because we'll be covering good amount of space on your body and if you say your pretty hairy and have never been waxed, I think it would be most benefiting for both you and your service provider. If you can only schedule for all your services at once it is possible. Sat. 29th at 2:30pm. Please avoid any alcohol in your system before your wax at least 24hrs. prior to your services. Don't worry about trimming, if you can exfoliate the morning of with a exfoliating body wash or loafa, and take a pain killer (ibuprofen) about 15-20 min. before your services you should be good to go. As far as having an audience I don't see that being a problem so long as on lookers are respectful of service provider and the time it will take to provide your services. We will not allow any photos of the facility or service provider during services! Now photos of your hairy and then not so hairy self, well you guys can have a field day!:) We do look forward to meeting you. Please let me know what we can do to best suit your schedule.

Angelica

I'm one of MANY that have come to her after losing a bet?? I'm glad I'm not the only sick person who makes bets like this!!

No boozing 24 hours prior? I thought they only had problems with drunk people getting tattoos...not getting waxed!?!? I guess a lotta people think they need to get plastered the night before...then again I wonder how many people have puked during the process. Barfing seems like a typical reflex after getting your hair follicles yanked out of your skin, almost like a defense mechanism against the waxer. BLUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

So I replied back and opted for getting it all done at once - if I only did half this weekend, I wouldn't be able to schedule the other half for a couple weeks, and then I risk the possibility of looking stupid if half of me is hairy but the other half is still silky-smooth. So it seemed like a no-brainer to just let her

Wax that, right out my porrrrres
Wax that, and hear me roaaaaarrr
Wax that, til there's no morrrrrre
Just wax that, oh ohhOHHHHohhhhhhOHH

Day 22 - Game Over

So this is what losing feels like. It feels...cold...

Well, it doesn't quite yet feel cold, but I'm sure it will. And itchy. Cold and itchy. Fook! Ah well, congratulations Garo and Jackie!

Next order of business: finding a place to honor the bet. Has anyone ever been to "The Wax Spot by Angelica" in the Heights?? http://www.houstonsbestwax.com/about.html

This place sounds too good to be true:

• they specialize in full-body waxing for both women AND men
• they're close to my house
• they use a "paraffin-based Brazilian blue wax" that "adheres only to the hair (not to the skin)" that makes the entire experience less painful! (yay!)
• they show funny sitcoms during the wax!
• they've got a coupon for 15% off for first-time customers http://houston.citysearch.com/profile/offer?listingId=47189764
• ANNNND check out the 102 awesome reviews they got!!! http://houston.citysearch.com/profile/47189764/houston_tx/the_wax_spot_by_angelica.html#profileTab-reviews
  

Shoot, Angelica likes to show her patients funny sitcoms to alleviate the waxing, surely she would find humor in this bet and allow us to take pictures and video during the whole shabang! I really want to get this wax in before going to New York for Labor Day, so I sent Angelica this email. I hope she replies soon!!!!

Hi Angelica,

I'm a first-time waxer and saw nothing but great reviews of your place on Citysearch, so I thought The Wax Spot would be the ideal place for me to go. I need to get my arms, legs, chest, and back waxed, and wanted to see if you would be able to schedule me in this Saturday?

I have a bit of an odd request (at least it seems odd to me, but who knows, maybe you get emails like this everyday). I bet my brother that he wouldn't be engaged by August 31st, and the loser has to get waxed (it's a long story, which I would be more than happy to explain if you could fit me into your schedule...).

Well I lost the bet, and the "odd request" is that my audience (my brother and his fiance) and I were hoping to find a place that would allow us to take pictures/video during the process. My family, friends, and coworkers all want to see me in pain (although I am relieved after reading your reviews on Citysearch that you use a far less painful wax!), however I don't want to have to rent out an auditorium to fit everyone in, hence the pictures/video.

Please let me know if you can schedule me in anytime on Saturday (August 29th). How long do you think the entire process will take? I'm a fairly hairy Armenian guy (if that gives you any perspective), I've been told that I'll probably have to trim down my hair before coming in.

I look forward to hearing from you, thank you hairy much! (Sorry, I couldn't resist...)

Day 20 - Bet on Black?

I haven't made a post in the past ten days because I sank into a deep state of depression. I had the same nightmare every night - I was woken up in my hotel room in Baton Rouge by what I thought was a screaming baby...except it was a million screaming body hairs wailing at the thought of their eventual sticky death. It got me thinking..."death by waxing" to a hair must be like "death by maple syrup" to humans.

I hit rock bottom last week when I lunged for some hairs that were about to go down my shower drain and tried to stick them back on my chest (it didn't work...)

Anyways, I'm back now, and my business mindset has taken over. This shit's gonna be expensive, so I'm going to Lake Charles today to win me some money. Commme onnnnn seven! Daddy needs his chest waxed!!!!

Now the real question is, do I bet on black (hair?) or bed on red (the inevitable bloodshed that will ensue with each rip of wax/fabric?)????

Day 10 - Damn you YouTube...

So I was up on YouTube, bout to check out some music videos to research some new songs to parody for my upcoming album, when I was taken aback by the videos under the "Recommended For You" section:

• Maury Povich clips, understandable ("you are...NOT the father!!!")
  
• Random funnies, totally expectable (who doesn't like to laugh???)
  
• THREE WAXING/HAIR REMOVAL RELATED VIDEOS!!?? (goodbye, manhood)

I'm glad YouTube wants to give me its two cents on what I should do, I mean these videos look pretty useful. Well, at least "Different Hair Removal Options" seems like it would be helpful. I can't believe there's actually something called the "Hair Removal Show". And "Male Painful Waxing" should be very helpful in preparing me for what I've got coming at the end of the month.

Despite the usefulness, what about the potential negative effects of these recommended videos on my life? What if some hot girl was checking out YouTube on my computer? Talk about cock-block...self-induced CB at that! I can just imagine how the conversation would go:

Hottie - "Hey Rubik! You've gotta see this HILARIOUS clip on YouTube!"
Me - "Ok!!! I love laughing, especially when it's with you!!!"
Hottie - "(type type type type...click) ok let's see...WTFFFF?? Why is there all this waxing stuff on your recommended videos??"
Me - "ah shit...."
Hottie - "Say something!! Is this some sort of sick fetish you perrrrrv?!?!?!?"
Me - "Dammit woman! Haven't you read my blog???"

Please ladies, read the blog, and spread the word to your girlfriends, so an awkward moment like the one above does NOT happen...

Day 8 - An alternative to waxing???

A concerned friend brought up a potentially less painful alternative to waxing - sugaring. Apparently sugaring results in less breaking out than waxing.
...wait a sec, rubbing sugar all over your body makes you break out LESS than hot wax?? Why don't I soften up my skin with some pizza grease while I'm at it!

So you can see why I'm skeptical. Professional skepticism is part of my job, so I turned to one of the most reliable resources available to man - Youtube:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dl4z2D_ddsQ

Looks fairly painless, not much yelling or screaming by the dude in the video. I better check another reliable source of mine - Google. Hmmmm let's take a look at "women's-health.com - where women gather, share and learn!!"


http://www.womens-health.com/boards/hair-removal/1189-body-sugaring-vs-waxing.html

"Sexymamaof4" is "just curious what the difference is between sugaring and waxing". Me too! Just like me, she also heard that "sugaring is less painful, but doesn't get the area as smooth as waxing does." Smoothness is key, I think I need a cost/benefit analysis on pain vs. smoothness. Does anyone have an Excel spreadsheet that can calculate this??

Let's check out more of this message board for more answers. "ZaraNaaz" asks "How is done?" This user can't even form a complete sentence, and from the name is sounds like she could be a "Beast from the Middle East" so we probably have the same level of body hairiness. She can be my guinea pig!

I finally found a user on this message board who actually tried sugaring...except I didn't get the reaction I wanted from "Autumn" - "It was ****, I'll stick to waxing." What vulgarity!

Hmm...I suppose waxing it is (unless someone can get me that cost/benefit analysis Excel spreadsheet)

Day 6 - first full song

Step aside, Weird Al, there's a new parody king in town.

Hairless Armenian Entertainment presents..."When Will My Hair Grow Again" (sorry, Babyface...)
...music video to follow at a later date

When will my hair grow again?

Why'd I get a Brazilian?

Feels like I took off my…cashmere sweaaater

When will these chiiiiiiills ever end?

It's cool in the summer

But can I…confess to…my pa-rents…

That I'm just a hairless…

Hairless Arme-eee-nian

When will my haaair grow again?

Hairless Arme-eee-nian

Hey why ain't my baaaack sweating yet?

Cause I'm just a hairless…

Feels like I lost my best friend

Not just my manly essence

And what if my chest does not, fully grow back?

Where will my gold chain rest thennn? Tell me

I feel like a helpless

Underfed, closeted, Chia Pet

Cause I'm just a hair-lehhh-ehh-esssssss

Hairless Arme-eee-nian

When will my hair grow again?

Hairless Arme-eee-nian

Depressed so I'll eaaaat pita breeaaaaaad

Cause I'm just a hairless…Armenian

Suuure my shower stopped cloggin'

But Drano-Max, just costs doll-lars and cennnnnnnts

While I'm just a hairless…

Hairless Arme-eee-nian

When will my hair grow again?

Hairless Arme-eee-nian

And when will my browwwws meet agaaaaiiiiiiin?

Now I'm just a hairless…Armenian

(in case you didn't know the original Babyface song and have no idea what the hell this is a parody to, you can listen to it here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2m4UWZt_ldE)

Day 4 - Clarification

There were some questions as to whether or not my "nether regions" would be included in the waxing. ARE YOU %^@$%@# KIDDING ME??? Here's my reasoning:

• Let's say you slap some hot wax down on my forearm, stick on a fabric strip, and letttttt'rrrrr rip! Worst case scenario - some forearm skin comes off with the arm hair, I stick on a bandage, heals up in a few weeks, maybe a little scar is left as a reminder

• Let's say you slap some hot wax "down thurrrr", stick on a fabric strip, and letttttt'rrrrr rip! Worst case scenario - some foreskin comes off with the hair, my balls fall off, I become sterile, women find me hideous and deformed, I can't procreate, I die a lonely "man"

• As far as the butt goes, one of my coworkers described a Brazilian wax as follows - "...you've gotta hold your ass-cheeks spread open while they pour hot wax in there and rip out all your ass hairs"

Ok, easy solution, I'm going to wear one of these:

Anything visible hair below the neck gets shaved, except the following:

• armpits
• knuckles
• toes

Any other questions?

Day 3 - Giving back with Locks of Love

I'd like for this waxing to have some benefit to society, so I started to think about how my hair could help someone. Then it became so clear to me...Locks of Love! Let's take a look at the requirements:

• "10 inches measured tip to tip is the minimum length needed for a hairpiece"...CHECK!

• "Hair must be in a ponytail or braid before it is cut"...I can make a ponytail on each limb...CHECK!
  

• "Hair must be clean and completely dry before it is mailed in"...wax is clean right? Plus it will make the hair glisten...CHECK!

Here's another interesting guideline mentioned on the website:

• "Curly hair may be pulled straight to measure the minimum 10 inches"...hmm...do they really want me to go there with the curly hairs???

I feel much better now about the pain I will most likely be enduring, at least I'll get to help four people with my hair! (make that five or six if they actually take the curly hair!)

Day 2 - Will it hurt?

So when people find out that this waxing thing is going down, the following things are typically said or asked:

1. OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
2. Can I watch???
3. Can I wax???
4. What about your...you know???
5. You know it's gonna hurt, right???

Umm, yes, I know it's going to hurt. Can I take the pain? Why the heck not? I'm pretty sure I can take it though...I'll just sing songs in my head. How long of a playlist will I need? Should I think of boisterous upbeat songs to psych me out, or more melancholy tunes to soothe my mind? Gangsta rap or Kenny G? I wonder if I'll subconsciously change the lyrics in my head during the process...

Maybe I should record an album of parodies as "The Hairless Armenian". I mean, how hard could it be? Do you hear half the stuff that's on the radio today?? Sure it's catchy as hell...but come on! How much money did Weird Al Yankovic make off all his crap? Let's see what we can think of real quick...

"It'll hurt (I know) It'll hurt" (repeat 57 times, writhe in pain after getting a strip of hair pulled off, make it look cool and it'll develop into a new dance craze)

"Clean on the outside, PAAAAIIIIN ON THE INSIDE, full body wax job..." (Dorrough admitted that he doesn't even have an ice cream paint job on his own car...at least my lyrics would be true!)

"Always waxed..." (Ehh ok maybe Always Strapped gets you a little more street cred then being Always Waxed...)

You know I gotta get in a Milli remix since everyone else has done em - "A million hairs, had em all over but now i'm bare, waxed it all except my dong and my derriere"

Back to the subject at hand - will it hurt? People have suggested that I use clippers to shorten my hairs, apparently optimal waxing hair length is 1/8 inch, or far shorter than my flowing mane. Any other tips or suggestions??

A little background information on "The Bet"

For those of you who don't really know me, I'm gonna set my humility to the side when I admit that I'm one clutch mutha. I don't really know for sure when it started, but let's look back at some memorable "clutch" moments in my life that influenced me believe I could win any contest or wager:

• Maybe it was those well-placed Hadokens and Shoryukens in the waning moments of Street Fighter matches that would always knock out my brother

• Could it be from Junior High, when my competitive pizza-eating prowess was at its peak? (Damn you Cici's Pizza for fueling my childhood obesity...)

• Perhaps those inspirational messages on the back of those Cinco Ranch Triathlon volunteer t-shirts fueled my confidence (Be there...believe in yourself...BREAK THROUGH!!!)

• 97.5 on the Intermediate Accounting final when I needed a 97.4 for an A? 4 for 4 on the CPA exam?

• Taking top-honors in the KPMG Forensic Biggest Loser contest sure didn't hurt my swag

So I got a question why they hatin' on me?
I got a question why they hatin' on me?
Ain't do nuthin to em, but win their money
If you bet against me, you a broke-ass dummy!

Flash back to May 2009. My brother Garo has an engagement ring for his girlfriend Jackie (she helped him pick it out, so don't worry, I'm not spoiling any surprises!) that he bought pre-Hurricane Ike. Almost a year later...he still has the ring.

Now, I'm not one to make unscrupulous bets, and I rarely accept a challenge when I have no influence whatsoever over the outcome, but after 24 years of clutchness I was feeling pretty damn confident (That's right, confident, not cocky. Cocky is such a negative word...)

See what you don't know that I knew at the time of the bet was that my brother had the following obstacles to overcome ever since December 2008 before he could even propose:

• Per Armenian tradition, our family had to be invited over to her parents house, at which time my parents would have to tell her parents the following gem: "Our son (Garo) would like to pick a flower (Jackie) from your garden"

• Before we could go over, they had to get the house (and garden!) ready for us

As of May 2009 we were at about 9 months with a ring with no engagement, and about 5 months with knowledge of this tradition with no flower (lord knows that flower can't last long in the Houston heat!). I figured a few more months of no progress would be no sweat, so I bet my brother that he wouldn't be engaged by August 31. Now here comes to fun part.

The stakes of this bet had to be so immense to propel someone to trade away their bachelorhood. If you know me or Garo, you know we're some hairy-ass mofos...and if you only know me, my brother is twice as hairy as I am (Rubik : sweater :: Garo : mink coat). During our weekly drives to Katy for Sunday family dinner, we always answered "YES!" as we passed the "713-RU-HAIRY?" laser hair removal billboards. Well ladies and gentlemen, we're not betting laser hair removal (that's sooooo feminine). The loser has to get waxed, chin down, no ass or junk (we would each like to procreate someday).

As of July 30, I was a little over a month away from notching another victory. I could picture my brother in that salon on the table just like Steve Carell in "40 Year Old Virgin", but instead screaming "AHHH TATA SIMONYAN" as the angry Asian lady yanks off a strip of shag carpeting formerly known as Garo's chest hair.

However, on July 31 the tides drastically changed...Jackie's flower was picked...and with it I'm afraid my "clutch" streak will probably come to an end. With no more roadblocks in his way, I'm fairly confident that Garo will manage to propose to Jackie sometime before the end of the month, after which time I will become the "Hairless Armenian"