Day 28 - So cold...

You never realize how warm your hair keeps you until you WAX IT ALL OFF...I am FREEZING!!!

There's a few questions I've been getting from pretty much everyone, so I thought I'd answer them for you all here:

1. "Did it hurt?" NO SHIT! It wasn't a cakewalk, but it also wasn't as bad as everyone built it up to be
2. "What part hurt the most?" The middle of my chest (the "nucleus", as my brother put it), and the inner thigh
3. "Did you bleed?" A few dots of blood on my chest, but nothing serious. I put on a white t-shirt afterward hoping to turn it into a souvenir, but no luck
4. "How long did it take?" 3 hours...my calf started cramping up, I should've stretched beforehand...

...And to all you ladies who told me "EHHHHH! YOU HAVE NO IDEEEEAAAA!! ITS GONNA BE LIKE PUTTING DUCT TAPE ON YOUR ARM AND PULLING IT OFFFF!!! BLEHHHHH!!!! YOU MEN HAVE NO IDEA WHAT PAIN WE WOMEN ENDURE TO LOOK BEAUTIFULLLL!!!...."

...........GROW SOME BALLS! It really wasn't thaaaat bad. Sure there were some rough spots, but not once did I feel inclined to curse at the waxer or scream "KELLY CLARKSON!!" And if any of yall think I'm crazy, then get your next wax job done at "The Wax Spot" http://www.houstonsbestwax.com/index.html , tell them Rubik sent you (yeah...I'm kind of a big deal over there already...)

And for any of you guys that were curious about waxing, they have about half guys and half girls that go in there, so it's not like there's gonna be a waiting room full of ladies giggling at you when you walk in.

Well I know what most of you wanna see is pictures, I'll post a before and after on here, and I'll put the rest of them on Facebook. Enjoy!

BEFORE:


AFTER:

Day 27 - Judgment Day

IT'S THE FIIINAAL COUNNNTDOWWWWN!!!!
In about five hours I'll be at The Wax Spot getting ready to bid farewell to...well...Rubik. I might have to change my name to something like Fabio after the deed is done. I mean, you can't have a hairless Rubik...

ox⋅y⋅mo⋅ron

/ˌɒksɪˈmɔrɒn, -ˈmoʊr-/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [ok-si-mawr-on, -mohr-] noun
Rhetoric. a figure of speech by which a locution produces an incongruous, seemingly self-contradictory effect, as in “cruel kindness” or “to make haste slowly” or "hairless Rubik"

So I think I've got everything ready, let's see:

• Exfoliating loofah...CHECK!
• Exfoliating soap...CHECK!
• Speedo (so they can wax around my goodies..my goodies..my goodies..NOT MY GOODIES!!)
• Ibouprofen...CHECK x 27!

I gotta say, I'm getting a little emotional here...I mean, this is going to change my whole way of life. No more tumble-hairs rolling around my bedroom and bathroom, no more shower clogs, no more having to roll up my shirt sleeves at work to cool off, no more having to tuck those protruding strands of chest hair back under my shirt...

Well Houston, you're gonna get one last chance to see this hairy bod (for a few months at least...). I'll be flaunting my mane at Memorial Park if anyone needs one last look... ='(

Day 23 - I have an appointment!

So it's official: I have an appointment with Angelica from The Wax Spot this Saturday!
August 29...it's goinnn dowwwn!
Yeah i'm gettin waxxxed...it's goinnn dowwwn!
Gettin silky-smooth...it's goinnn dowwwn!
Any hair you see is guaranteed to go dowwwn!

I gotta admit, I was pretty damn excited when I finally got her email:

Hello. Rubik

You are one of the many that have come to us after losing a bet!lol We can get you scheduled on sat. the 29th. Because it is your first time getting waxed this will be pretty intense. If it is possible I'd like to suggest maybe two sessions for your services?! Only because we'll be covering good amount of space on your body and if you say your pretty hairy and have never been waxed, I think it would be most benefiting for both you and your service provider. If you can only schedule for all your services at once it is possible. Sat. 29th at 2:30pm. Please avoid any alcohol in your system before your wax at least 24hrs. prior to your services. Don't worry about trimming, if you can exfoliate the morning of with a exfoliating body wash or loafa, and take a pain killer (ibuprofen) about 15-20 min. before your services you should be good to go. As far as having an audience I don't see that being a problem so long as on lookers are respectful of service provider and the time it will take to provide your services. We will not allow any photos of the facility or service provider during services! Now photos of your hairy and then not so hairy self, well you guys can have a field day!:) We do look forward to meeting you. Please let me know what we can do to best suit your schedule.

Angelica

I'm one of MANY that have come to her after losing a bet?? I'm glad I'm not the only sick person who makes bets like this!!

No boozing 24 hours prior? I thought they only had problems with drunk people getting tattoos...not getting waxed!?!? I guess a lotta people think they need to get plastered the night before...then again I wonder how many people have puked during the process. Barfing seems like a typical reflex after getting your hair follicles yanked out of your skin, almost like a defense mechanism against the waxer. BLUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

So I replied back and opted for getting it all done at once - if I only did half this weekend, I wouldn't be able to schedule the other half for a couple weeks, and then I risk the possibility of looking stupid if half of me is hairy but the other half is still silky-smooth. So it seemed like a no-brainer to just let her

Wax that, right out my porrrrres
Wax that, and hear me roaaaaarrr
Wax that, til there's no morrrrrre
Just wax that, oh ohhOHHHHohhhhhhOHH

Day 22 - Game Over

So this is what losing feels like. It feels...cold...

Well, it doesn't quite yet feel cold, but I'm sure it will. And itchy. Cold and itchy. Fook! Ah well, congratulations Garo and Jackie!

Next order of business: finding a place to honor the bet. Has anyone ever been to "The Wax Spot by Angelica" in the Heights?? http://www.houstonsbestwax.com/about.html

This place sounds too good to be true:

• they specialize in full-body waxing for both women AND men
• they're close to my house
• they use a "paraffin-based Brazilian blue wax" that "adheres only to the hair (not to the skin)" that makes the entire experience less painful! (yay!)
• they show funny sitcoms during the wax!
• they've got a coupon for 15% off for first-time customers http://houston.citysearch.com/profile/offer?listingId=47189764
• ANNNND check out the 102 awesome reviews they got!!! http://houston.citysearch.com/profile/47189764/houston_tx/the_wax_spot_by_angelica.html#profileTab-reviews
  

Shoot, Angelica likes to show her patients funny sitcoms to alleviate the waxing, surely she would find humor in this bet and allow us to take pictures and video during the whole shabang! I really want to get this wax in before going to New York for Labor Day, so I sent Angelica this email. I hope she replies soon!!!!

Hi Angelica,

I'm a first-time waxer and saw nothing but great reviews of your place on Citysearch, so I thought The Wax Spot would be the ideal place for me to go. I need to get my arms, legs, chest, and back waxed, and wanted to see if you would be able to schedule me in this Saturday?

I have a bit of an odd request (at least it seems odd to me, but who knows, maybe you get emails like this everyday). I bet my brother that he wouldn't be engaged by August 31st, and the loser has to get waxed (it's a long story, which I would be more than happy to explain if you could fit me into your schedule...).

Well I lost the bet, and the "odd request" is that my audience (my brother and his fiance) and I were hoping to find a place that would allow us to take pictures/video during the process. My family, friends, and coworkers all want to see me in pain (although I am relieved after reading your reviews on Citysearch that you use a far less painful wax!), however I don't want to have to rent out an auditorium to fit everyone in, hence the pictures/video.

Please let me know if you can schedule me in anytime on Saturday (August 29th). How long do you think the entire process will take? I'm a fairly hairy Armenian guy (if that gives you any perspective), I've been told that I'll probably have to trim down my hair before coming in.

I look forward to hearing from you, thank you hairy much! (Sorry, I couldn't resist...)

Day 20 - Bet on Black?

I haven't made a post in the past ten days because I sank into a deep state of depression. I had the same nightmare every night - I was woken up in my hotel room in Baton Rouge by what I thought was a screaming baby...except it was a million screaming body hairs wailing at the thought of their eventual sticky death. It got me thinking..."death by waxing" to a hair must be like "death by maple syrup" to humans.

I hit rock bottom last week when I lunged for some hairs that were about to go down my shower drain and tried to stick them back on my chest (it didn't work...)

Anyways, I'm back now, and my business mindset has taken over. This shit's gonna be expensive, so I'm going to Lake Charles today to win me some money. Commme onnnnn seven! Daddy needs his chest waxed!!!!

Now the real question is, do I bet on black (hair?) or bed on red (the inevitable bloodshed that will ensue with each rip of wax/fabric?)????

Day 10 - Damn you YouTube...

So I was up on YouTube, bout to check out some music videos to research some new songs to parody for my upcoming album, when I was taken aback by the videos under the "Recommended For You" section:

• Maury Povich clips, understandable ("you are...NOT the father!!!")
  
• Random funnies, totally expectable (who doesn't like to laugh???)
  
• THREE WAXING/HAIR REMOVAL RELATED VIDEOS!!?? (goodbye, manhood)

I'm glad YouTube wants to give me its two cents on what I should do, I mean these videos look pretty useful. Well, at least "Different Hair Removal Options" seems like it would be helpful. I can't believe there's actually something called the "Hair Removal Show". And "Male Painful Waxing" should be very helpful in preparing me for what I've got coming at the end of the month.

Despite the usefulness, what about the potential negative effects of these recommended videos on my life? What if some hot girl was checking out YouTube on my computer? Talk about cock-block...self-induced CB at that! I can just imagine how the conversation would go:

Hottie - "Hey Rubik! You've gotta see this HILARIOUS clip on YouTube!"
Me - "Ok!!! I love laughing, especially when it's with you!!!"
Hottie - "(type type type type...click) ok let's see...WTFFFF?? Why is there all this waxing stuff on your recommended videos??"
Me - "ah shit...."
Hottie - "Say something!! Is this some sort of sick fetish you perrrrrv?!?!?!?"
Me - "Dammit woman! Haven't you read my blog???"

Please ladies, read the blog, and spread the word to your girlfriends, so an awkward moment like the one above does NOT happen...

Day 8 - An alternative to waxing???

A concerned friend brought up a potentially less painful alternative to waxing - sugaring. Apparently sugaring results in less breaking out than waxing.
...wait a sec, rubbing sugar all over your body makes you break out LESS than hot wax?? Why don't I soften up my skin with some pizza grease while I'm at it!

So you can see why I'm skeptical. Professional skepticism is part of my job, so I turned to one of the most reliable resources available to man - Youtube:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dl4z2D_ddsQ

Looks fairly painless, not much yelling or screaming by the dude in the video. I better check another reliable source of mine - Google. Hmmmm let's take a look at "women's-health.com - where women gather, share and learn!!"


http://www.womens-health.com/boards/hair-removal/1189-body-sugaring-vs-waxing.html

"Sexymamaof4" is "just curious what the difference is between sugaring and waxing". Me too! Just like me, she also heard that "sugaring is less painful, but doesn't get the area as smooth as waxing does." Smoothness is key, I think I need a cost/benefit analysis on pain vs. smoothness. Does anyone have an Excel spreadsheet that can calculate this??

Let's check out more of this message board for more answers. "ZaraNaaz" asks "How is done?" This user can't even form a complete sentence, and from the name is sounds like she could be a "Beast from the Middle East" so we probably have the same level of body hairiness. She can be my guinea pig!

I finally found a user on this message board who actually tried sugaring...except I didn't get the reaction I wanted from "Autumn" - "It was ****, I'll stick to waxing." What vulgarity!

Hmm...I suppose waxing it is (unless someone can get me that cost/benefit analysis Excel spreadsheet)